(This is the story of how we met, and laid to rest, our sweet little Maverick Jack. Please be aware, this is a story of hurt, pain and God’s grace. May the Lord bring you to him in this time the way He has carried us. Maverick’s purpose has been fulfilled and brought many people to Christ, and for that, we are thankful.)
It was a routine check up with my OB for Mav’s 30 week check. No reason for concern. After a short chat with my Dr. she had me lie down to check the heartbeat. After a few attempts, of what seemed like concern I got a lump in my throat…. this can’t be real. She proceeded to check around my entire belly with no luck. She didn’t want me to worry, she said the baby may be in a weird position so she wanted me to follow her to the sonogram room to have a better look. It only took a few short seconds for all of us to realize there was no heartbeat. By this point I had already called Zach and somehow managed to get out the words, “there’s no heartbeat”. We wept together on the phone while I lie there staring at the sonogram picture before me. What went wrong? Why is this happening? There was no explanation, only the Doctor and the sono tech looking at me with such sympathy I thought it was a dream.
Once I gathered myself the Doctor explained to me the different scenarios and/or reasons for this to happen so far along. Some of which I heard, but mostly I was in shock and it went in one ear and out the other. I got some bloodwork done and was told by the Doctor that I needed to check in to the hospital the following day to deliver Maverick. I drove home in silence, in complete shock of what was happening. I broke down in tears a few times and couldn’t contain my sobs. The fear and guilt I felt was nothing like I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t help but ask God “Why”. There was no clarity, there was no reason, I was just numb.
The next morning Zach and I checked in for delivery. We were very nervous and anxious but we had a huge support system and so many people helping us. I knew we had to be strong and get through it. I was feeling pretty nervous about surgery but I am so used to the process of a c-section that I knew the drill and was just ready to get it over with. When they took me back I was so thankful for my amazing nurse who made me feel so comforted while Zach was waiting for everything to be ready to come in. Once surgery began, I was in a very calm state as we wept over our favorite worship music from Zach’s phone. I’m not sure how far along the process was, but as we were humming and singing along, I felt the most serene feeling come over me. Something that I’ve never felt before. With tears in my eyes I looked up at Zach and said, “He’s here. I can feel God’s presence RIGHT HERE.” It brought us both to uncontrollable tears. And in that moment, we felt at peace knowing our Lord and Father was in that place with us ready to take our sweet boy. Although it was devastating, knowing Maverick was out and not crying, I just knew he was already wrapped in the arms of Jesus. Wrapped y’all! That’s how I felt. The peace that overcame was something like I’ve never experienced.
We loved him so much, but God loved him more.
The recovery process has been rough, dealing with the surgery recovery is one thing but the emotional side of it is a whole new recovery. It’s like your body is hurting as much as your heart is… and not to mention making arrangements to lay him to rest was another process I never thought I’d have to do, but we did.
On February 19, 2018 we laid our sweet boy to rest surrounded by our closest family. We sang Jesus Loves Me and released white balloons for our sweet boy to celebrate in heaven. Maddox and Mia are so young they hardly understand everything, but they know that Maverick Jack is now in heaven with Jesus. Zach has been so unbelievably comforting and supportive during this time for me. Although he is still grieving his little boy he has been my rock through it all. We will always miss our little Mav Jack, but we know he’ll be looking down on us from heaven all the days of our lives. How lucky are we?
My heart aches for the baby I never got to hold. The hurt we are going through is something we never thought we’d have to face but has somehow made us stronger in our faith and in our marriage.
We’re not saying goodbye, we’re saying see you later. One thing that I once heard that keeps me going; is that when you meet your baby in heaven, they will look at you and say, “Mommy, I’ve been waiting all day for you.” In eternity this life is just a blink and I can’t wait ’til I can see you again sweet boy!
Originally featured on MandiMoore.Com